PROLOGUE

… AN OLD BAG LADY PUSHING A SUPERMARKET TROLLEY IN PARLIAMENT SQUARE. SHE SITS DOWN ON A LOW WALL MUTTERING TO HERSELF. A POLICEMAN TRIES TO MOVE HER ON. SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM..

 “You are all the same. I am a good girl from Ukraine. I find a rich man, marry him: now 30 years later, I’m never married, no money, no life.”

The Policeman notices half hidden in the junk in the trolley, a photograph of a scantily dressed beautiful blonde with a man in a morning suit.

” You into soft porn Grandma”!

“You’d never believe it!”

She starts to get up. The scene blurs and the camera pans round to Whitehall and focuses on Banqueting House. It is 30 years earlier. Dinner suited men and well dressed women are entering.

 Two Salvation Army women sneak in with them. Guests have formed in a line to be presented to the hosts of the event. A master of ceremonies is announcing the names. The two Salvation Army ladies in their 60’s are ‘working the line’ getting the guests to part with their money quite aggressively. They are holding Charity labelled canisters and a virtually forcing the guests to part with their money. The guests look uncomfortable. One guest dressed in a red army colonel’s dress uniform looks down to see that the Salvation Army lady’s hands are hairy and large. He notices that there is stubble on her face and realizes that they are men. It is a scam. At the same moment the Salvation lady sees that he has been discovered. He shouts “RUN” to his partner.

The two Salvation Army ladies race to the entrance of the Hall in the style of rugby prop forwards and crash through entering guests and the concierge. The two ladies run down Whitehall round a corner into a side street and into the Parliament Tavern.

The Salvation Army ladies crash into the main bar and rush through to the Men’s toilet. The bartender greets them in a familiar way.

“Evening ladies”!

In the men’s toilet the two Salvation Army ladies are pulling off their clothes and wiping off their make-up revealing that they are middle -aged men out of breathe, Ray and Liam. Ray pulls a black bag down from above the cistern containing men’s clothes.

RAY

‘’Fuck, that was close’’!

LIAM

‘’I’m getting too old for this. There must be an easier way. The toilet door opens and Frankie enters. He is the local hood and lovable villain. He knows Liam and Ray.’’

FRANKIE

 “Hi boys! How’s business?”

They continue to change their clothes, nervously checking the door.

RAY

“Fuck off Frankie. If we had your money we wouldn’t need to do this. Liam’s police pension isn’t

worth a shit and bit acting has no future for old farts.”

Frankie looks at them shrewdly.

FRANKIE

“So boys, how’d you like to make some dough?’’

They look at him skeptically….

***